20:07

Depressed? Auch, you're just feeling a bit down; it'll pass.

No, it won't. But what IS depression? I guess if we really knew what it was, we'd beat it, but at least learning and writing about it may help fight it next time we come across it on a dark, dank, greasey Tuesday night...

So, take a look at the cactus. Looks like a pretty normal cactus eh? Hell, it even has a flower on top...check it with it's flower-flaunting and posing. However, looks can be deceiving. Yep, that cactus is depressed. The cactus' closest friends are aware, but you wouldn't know to look at - nary even a quiver of the lip or a tear - but that is one miserable cactus...goes to show that just because something appears to be fine, there's no guarantee it actually is. True story.

OK, so that was a wee bit of a random way to bring it up, but since I'm actually feeling a bit better today for the first time in a long time, I thought I would write about depression, as I think firstly it may help me next time I'm feeling low, and can read about it, and also maybe it'll help other people understand a bit more. I don't know...it depends on how well I manage to express myself, but I'm going to go ahead and give it a try.

If you're interested and would like to read more, about my experience, the symptoms, and some of the most accessible ways to alleviate depression, hit the jump and I'll see you on the other side. Click here and then scroll down to carry on reading...

17:49

Brain mush and exhaustion

How is it possible to be this bad at sleeping?!

So, it must be a month now since I have slept properly. I am even more tired than Terrence Petersen, the tired penguin in the photo. Now and then I think I have, and then find myself exhausted again two hours later - such as today, for instance. Woke up feeling pleased that I'd managed to get myself to sleep fairly early (around 00h45), and had stayed at least resting until quite late. Within a couple of hours, though, I was so tired I couldn't focus on anything, and could hardly stand up, and almost collapsed while doing the shopping. Whilst that is pretty funny to think about, just keeling over in the cheese section or face-planting into the toilet rolls, it really gets in the way of general existence.

I eat well, I eat healthily, and I eat at 'normal' times. I also drink plenty of water and fruit juice, and have even given alcohol a pause again for a while to help both save money and feel healthier, so it's not because of that. Yes, I worry about the fact I don't have a job, and am short on cash, but to be honest, that's more annoying than worrying, and I certainly don't lie awake at night thinking about it.

I would like to be able to ignore it and just carry on, hoping that it improves soon, but it's getting to the point where everything I do takes twice as long, I can't maintain concentration, my mood is up and down like a yo-yo. Makes it tricky. Did you know that if you deprive a person of sleep, he or she will die sooner than if you had deprived him/her of food? Shows the importance of it, and why sleep-deprivation torture methods can be so powerful.

Auch well though, there really isn't much I can do about it at the moment. Despite what I just said, I guess I simply have to try to keep on functioning, get myself a job and keep onwards and upwards. Everything takes a lot longer when you can't concentrate for more than five minutes at a time, but I'll get there...

Addendum at 22.30h:

So, I just received an email today proclaiming, "10,000 Year Old Yoga Secret For A Good Night’s Rest!", which sounds ridiculous, but here is the technique it suggests:

  • Lie back in bed on your back, close your eyes, and “be in the moment”.
  • You have to completely erase any pictures, thoughts or “words” from your mind (like “The Pina Colada Song” you heard right before going to bed!).
  • Focus your mind on the blackness you see and any time a thought, picture or word creeps into your consciousness, let it gently fade away by bringing your back to “nothingness”.
  • Literally within minutes, you’ll notice that you enter a “dream state” of complete relaxation and the next moment, you’re sound asleep.
I suspect it's all utter bollocks, but it's short and simple enough that it's got to be worth a shot, so I shall try it tonight, and maybe tomorrow, and try to remember to report back on it here. Can a grey-bearded man from the East really hold the cure to my insomnia? I doubt it, but soon, we shall find out... Watch this space.

12:00

Isn't music incredible?

As a means of managing your mood and mental stability, and for changing your outlook, music is second to none. It is a necessity.

Well, in my incredibly humble opinion, obviously! This was brought to light only recently: I, at the moment, am broke. I'm as poor as a church mouse whose wife has just run off with another mouse, taking all the cheese. And yet the other week, when my earphones broke and needed replacing, I spent upwards of €50 on the new set, because music, to me, is not a luxury or a caprice, but a simple necessity of life, and so therefore, when I listen to it, I want to hear it in the best quality possible.

When I am working, chatting, emailing, cooking, cleaning, driving, sometimes even sleeping, I have my music playing, and it just makes life better. I must listen to 10 hours or more of music each day. I remember an Italian teacher at university bringing up the subject of music during one tutorial, saying she didn't understand why her daughter liked to listen to music while studying, and that she had effectively banned it as she felt it was reducing the quality of her daughter's studying, but I totally disagree. If the music is well matched to the situation and the task, I think it has the opposite effect, and in fact improves productivity, as it reduces stress, and thus helps you to focus on the task at hand. If I had an essay to write at university, or if I have a report that needs writing for the following morning, or an application letter that needs producing, having some of my favourite songs playing gently at the same time helps me calm down, focus, and prioritise to get the job done as efficiently as possible, every single time.

 Music can also help my mood significantly, in a matter of minutes (or totally crush it, depending on whether my brain's trying to sabotage me when it chooses the next song to play). If I'm feeling down (which, let's be honest, happens a lot, unfortunately), and a song like 'Diner' by Martin Sexton comes on, I will frequently be feeling significantly more able to deal with the world by the end. I'm not saying I go from blowing-my-brains-out desolate to running through the street jumping for joy and clicking my heels together, but the effect is noticeable, and more pronounced than many supposed treatments recommended by the 'experts' for low mood. For helping my mood in this way, music is second only to being able to chat to my best friend. That said, if I put on the wrong song (although my playlist is somewhat eclectic, with everything from drum & bass to classical, I have quite a penchant for very mellow, relaxed songs - the kind that others might class as 'music to slit your wrists by'), it can have the opposite effect. As long as I'm aware of this, though, it's generally not a problem, and still goes to show the power that music has over the mind.

Sometimes, when everything's just getting too much, you can pick out a great album, preferably something super relaxing, turn off everything else, shut yourself off from the world, and just immerse yourself in music for half an hour or so, and the sense of calm that it produces is profound - in my experience anyway. I can't think of anything else that can produce this effect in us...can you?

Conversely, when it's Friday afternoon, you know the work will be done soon, and the evening will begin, beers will be drunk, dances will be danced, moves will be cut, and awesomeness will be distributed to all close enough to experience it, changing the playlist to an upbeat dance and drum and bass mix can just lift the mood higher and higher, sending you out on a wave of euphoria that's intoxicating (or is that just the Spanish-sized gin and tonics??) and addictive.

One of the absolutely greatest aspects of music for me though, aside from the pure joy of listening to a good song, is how vividly it can bring back apparently forgotten memories in an instant - and the music doesn't even have to be good! I was again reminded of this recently when I switched craptops, and in the process discovered probably 400 songs that had been lost in amongst all the other files and not played in years. I put on on an Audioslave song that I came across, "Like a Stone", and in a second, I was transported to a pool bar in the town of Hastings, New Zealand, on a night out towards the end of my time working on farms out there. I can picture every person around me, the drinks we had (mine was a triple gin and tonic, because the barman knew I was leaving soon and kept adding extra free shots to each drink I bought!), even the exact conversations that were taking place, and all this just purely from hearing the first few notes of a song that was popular there at that time. I absolutely love this about music, and I freely admit that amongst all the awesome, I have a number of really terrible songs on my playlist purely because they bring back happy memories, and as long as they keep doing so, I'm not getting rid of them!

Nowadays, I actively work to use this to my advantage: for example if I go on week's holiday, I will make a mix CD, or buy a new album, especially for the trip - just one or two at most - and listen to it frequently over the time I'm there, safe in the knowledge that from then on, those songs will be inextricably associated in my mind with that time. "Marta" by Nena Daconte is a recent example of a song that was playing frequently on holiday in Málaga, and now takes me back there in a second when I listen to it.

So, that is my thought for the day :). And what's playing right now? "In Remote Part/Scottish Fiction" by Idlewild - a truly great song, and one that reminds me (with a sweeping pang of nostalgia and regret at leaving) of Scotland. Caledonia, I miss you :(

18:15

Crowd management and eye contact

There's more to it than you might think...though chances are, you don't think about it.

After my year in Spain back in 2006, I remembered that negotiating crowds of Spanish people was quite different from doing the same in Britain, but I'd forgotten to what extent...


In Britain, even though we're apparently more closed and less likely to initiate interaction with other people than our continental European brethren, it's habitual to make eye contact with the people coming towards you, the people you will have to negotiate to continue on your chosen path (see fig. 1.1). This can frequently result in a ridiculous kind of dance where both people, trying to double guess the other, move to one side and the other, both in the same direction, at the same time, several times, before finally managing to pass each other. Ridiculous though it can be, it is a polite and courteous means of crowd negotiation...but time consuming and confusing when the number of people is higher. This method also purveys a sense of openness and welcome.

In Spain, there's none of this crazy eye contact malarky when negotiating crowds, ohhh no. That is reserved exclusively for checking out the hot chick walking past the newspaper stand. Nope, in Spain, and in the absence of said hot girl, the focus is always on where you want to get to - eyes dead ahead, focus on middle distance, look of intensity but slight vagueness - see fig. 1.2 below.


This method, while not as courteous or friendly as the UK method, is far more effective, as everyone else likewise focuses on their destination, so there's very rarely any confusion or dance issue. Indeed, the only time confusion is likely to arise is if you put an untrained Brit on the scene, and he or she attempts to make eye contacts with each Spaniard encountered. The usual result then is that the Spaniard simply walks into them.

While sounding simple, there is an elegant art to perfecting the Spanish method, as you must remain focused on your destination at all times, while at the same time also being aware of the people approaching your path, but not making eye contact, in order to be able to pass without contact. In general, when two people are walking directly towards each other, they will continue to do so right until the last minute, with no hint of moving out of the way or allowing passage. Right when it seems inevitable the two are to crash into each other, each pulls a slight shoulder twist to one side or the other (you get a sense for which side it's going - this is an instinct here, not something you stop to think about!), and thus manage to pass with milimetres to spare, barely moving from the original path, and never breaking step or slowing down. And of course, if you do choose to check out the fine lady, it's not a problem, because the huge guy bearing down on you wasn't actually looking at you anyway, so he'll just go straight on past. Unless she's his girlfriend. In which case you might want to move.

One obvious drawback to the Spanish method is that if the person approaching is someone you know, you may end up walking straight on past, and looking like a tool for doing so...

13:15

Does my arse look big in this?

So, despite - or maybe because of - hardly ever updating this blog lately, I decided it was time for a sexy little background update, so here it is. I'm not sure about it though. I like the header, that's pretty funky, but the rest is kind of boring, so chances are I'll change it again soon. And by 'soon', I mean in about 3 months' time, when I next get around to sorting it out... Enjoy! :)

18:51

"Call that a blog? *Shiiiiiing* Nah mate, THAT is a blog!"

Yes. I know. Blah blah blah never updates the blog blah blah blah. Yeah, I get it, and I know I've been rubbish lately.

What with moving to Spain, searching for work every day, and more recently also starting work on creating someone else's blog, this one has once again been pitifully under-nourished with literary fodder, but I have plans to change that. I know I've said that before, but who knows, maybe this time I'll actually follow through. No, not in that way (you have a dirty mind, you know that?!)!

Anyway, I have ideas for lots of updates, and I really hope to be able to put something together very soon, and from now on to be updating the blog on a much more regular basis. Watch this space, and feel free to shout at me if there's been no progress in two weeks' time.

-Racing Snake