No, it won't. But what IS depression? I guess if we really knew what it was, we'd beat it, but at least learning and writing about it may help fight it next time we come across it on a dark, dank, greasey Tuesday night...
OK, so that was a wee bit of a random way to bring it up, but since I'm actually feeling a bit better today for the first time in a long time, I thought I would write about depression, as I think firstly it may help me next time I'm feeling low, and can read about it, and also maybe it'll help other people understand a bit more. I don't know...it depends on how well I manage to express myself, but I'm going to go ahead and give it a try.
If you're interested and would like to read more, about my experience, the symptoms, and some of the most accessible ways to alleviate depression, hit the jump and I'll see you on the other side. Click here and then scroll down to carry on reading...
So, where to start? Apparently around 25% of the population suffers from depression to some extent at some point in their lives, but what is it? Scientifically, in theory, it is a chemical imbalance in the brain, and therefore nothing to do with simple sadness. The frequently cited argument is that depression results from low levels of seratonin (a neurotransmitter) in the brain, as it is reabsorbed too quickly and that therefore the answer is to take Selective Seratonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRIs) to make sure it stays where it's needed. Thing is, not everyone wants to be on pills forever (hello!), and in addition, the side-effects on beginning and ending a course of SSRIs are not pleasant: when you begin, for up to 6 weeks or so, the only effect you're likely to feel is constant nausea. Not enough to make you actually sick, but enough to make you listless and uncomfortable all day, and this without any positive effect on your mood, as that can take a month or more to begin. Much the same happens at the end, even if you progressively reduce your dosage over time, so SSRIs are clearly not ideal. That said, while I was on prescribed SSRIs, for about two years, my moods were a lot more steady, and I experienced very much fewer 'lows' than before and since...although at the same time, the really big 'highs' that make life truly worthwhile were also missing. In general, they just made me numb, but in terms of avoiding the desolation that could otherwise result, they were very helpful.
Anyway, I guess the first question is what despression feels like? This is an area where I'm unsure exactly what to write, not because I don't know what it feels like, but because it affects each person differently. I suppose with that in mind, there's nothing more I can do than give my own experience, accepting that others may or may not have the same feelings and others beside.
One of the major effects that really affects everything else is the way it totally robs you of energy. You wake up in the morning, and the listlessness is just overwhelming; not only does getting out of bed feel pointless, but you barely have the energy to do so anyway. Assuming you do manage to get yourself up, it's the same with every task from then on, no matter how big or small - anything from brushing your teeth to responding to an important email - it just feels impossible to tackle anything at all.
This lack of energy leads to you achieving less...which in turn leads to you feeling even less desire to begin the day, as you feel you're not going to get anything done, so it's a waste of time. Everything seems pointless - no matter whether you've previousy achieved success in the task awaiting completion, in your mind, it's futile, a waste of time and effort, and so even just starting any task is a massive operation.
This in turn compounds the lack of energy. Since each task takes so MUCH energy to begin, since you have to force yourself to do anything, to avoid just crawling back into bed and sealing yourself off from the world, if you do manage to get anything done, or even if you've tried and failed, it leaves you exhausted.
Another aspect is the desire I just mentioned to cut yourself off from the outside world. Depression makes you (well, me) utterly paranoid, doubting everything and everyone, no matter what role they fulfil in my life - from family members to best friends to worst friends, you can't help thinking that they've had enough of you, whether or not it's true. You don't enjoy your own company, so you logically figure that no one else does either, and so you cut yourself off, hide away indoors or even in bed, and thus are trapped with your own thoughts which then just spin around your head gaining in strength, making you dislike yourself more, and thus become more convinced that everyone else is better off not having to deal with you.
A major feature of depression that has cropped up in each of the points I've mentioned so far is the way it feeds on itself. Depending on your viewpoint, depression is its own best friend or own worst enemy. The inability to undertake any jobs or assignments because you feel you're not going to achieve anything becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, as each day you find it harder, and so you do less and find more needing to be done, and each time you try to do it, it takes more energy, and so you're left with less energy, making it harder to start anything. As you feel people won't want to speak to you or spend time with you, as the doubts grow, you feel the need to ask, and you don't believe the reassurances, so you ask again, and again, and again, and you can tell by the responses that you're annoying people, and so it feels almost like a victory, since you're proving that you were right in thinking they don't enjoy your company. Therefore, you feel worse, and so if you do speak to people, most of what you say is negative, pushing them further away, and so the reassurances become less convincing, and so it carries on. Generally, you can only speak to close friends about it...if you speak to other people at all, you try your best to just avoid the topic altogether, not let on that anything is amiss, and yet you spend the whole time convinced that they're bored of your company, and so you begin to cut these people off, to stop talking to them at all.
And this, of course, is without mentioning the all-encumbering sadness. I didn't mention that first of all, because it's all too easy to say 'I'm depressed' when you're simply feeling sad, and therefore also to dismiss real depression as just a moment or phase of sadness that will quickly pass. In reality, the two are very different, and while each may feature aspects of the other, to class them as the same thing is very naïve. While obviously I don't know how it affects others, I know that in my case, the sadness is total, impossible, and inescapable - from the moment you wake up to the moment you manage to lose consciousness at night, it's there, in the back (or front, depending on whether or not you've got a distraction at the time) of your mind, and the pit of your stomach. It almost feels like fear, in the way you feel it in your gut, but it's not, it's just a crushing sadness, and the fact that you can't trace its root only makes it worse. That said, when sadness the root of which can be traced is added in, it's no better... In general, the depression also leads to huge mood swings - generally from happy to sad very suddenly, while the reverse takes a lot longer. In a matter of seconds you can go from feeling positive to utterly desolate and trapped. This also obviously affects and worsens some of the other symptoms I have mentioned - for example, talking to people without drifting into total negativity becomes more and more difficult.
Related to this is the fact that any issues you might have in your day-to-day life, which ordinarily might be little more than an annoyane or slight worry, become blown totally out of proportion, and get played over and over in your mind as you imagine all the worst possible outcomes, down to the tiniest detail. Personally, I have reached the point at which I can almost catch myself doing this, even if in general I am struggling with the day, but it can still cause problems, particularly in terms of 'neediness', asking for reassurance from friends and so on.
Some of the thoughts that can go through your mind are truly disturbing, when you reach the point where you're wondering if anyone would miss you...truly miss you, beyond just thinking 'oh, that's sad'. Wondering whether people might be better off if you really did rid yourself from their lives. Fortunately I've only ever been at that point once, and it terrified me when I thought about it afterwards. Trying to remain positive after thinking things like that, and more besides, is more than a little tricky. However, it was also so terrifying that even though I continued feeling low after that, to an extent, it snapped me out of the trance I'd fallen into and forced me to try to think more positively, as that is not a place I ever want to revisit.
Truth is, there are many more symptoms and feelings that come along with despression, but since I'm writing this article on an 'up' day, not all of them are occurring to me at the moment - on a 'down' day I doubt I'd be able to face writing about it though, so this is the best compromise. Also, this article is going to be huge as it is, without any more content to bulk it out!
So, what to do about it? If you're gripped by depression, how can you drag yourself out? Or at least manage to lift yourself up enough to gain a little perspective on the situation.
Firstly, obviously, it's very tricky to do anything about it when you're down on a big low, and all you want to do is hide from the world, listen to sad music, and wallow in your own sadness. Yep, pitiful really! If you can manage, switching to upbeat tunes has a surprisingly profound effect. As I mentioned in my last post, music's effect on the mind is deep and long-lasting; it's just convincing yourself to turn off the relaxed, chilled (read: depressing) songs that's the tricky part.
Exercise is also massively important and very beneficial most of the time. Once again, convincing yourself to go out for a run or lift some weights is the major challenge to overcome at the beginning, but if you can manage that, if can significantly help, by helping you either think out the thoughts that are troubling you, or clearing your mind entirely as you just focus on pushing yourself further and concentrate on the physical rather than the mental. It's also an obvious fact that exercising releases endorphines in the mind that triggers a degree of euphoria, reacting with the receptors in your brain to reduce the sensation of pain, be it physical or mental.
Not only that, but if you exercise regularly enough to see change and improvement in your body, then that is also a huge boost, as it provides you with evidence to counter your mind's subconscious arguments that no one could like you or be attracted to you. The more you can manage to improve, the more you can beat down at least this one facet of depression, and that has to be a good thing! Exercising at the right time of day (generally evening, though not too close to usual bed time) can also help you sleep, which inevitably helps you have more energy to take on the day and win.
Alcohol is also not good for depression - while a big night out on the beers, forgetting everything, can be highly uplifting, when the hangover comes around the next day, everything that was difficult anyway becomes twice as bad, so you have to weigh it up, and maybe think about restricting it.
Diet in general is highly important to mental agility and stability, fairly obviously, with vitamin deficiencies causing problems. Making sure you eat a balanced diet, no matter what, is therefore a serious issue. I've heard that many people's appetite or choice of food is affected by depression - either they gorge all the time, or just never eat, or only eat fatty foods - but fortunately that has never happened to me. Sometimes I don't have the energy to make a big meal and so eat convenience food, which inevitably isn't as good, but diet in general has not been a problem. That said, it is important to keep up the vitamin intake, using supplements if necessary:
- Vitamin C relieves the extreme tiredness and generally reduces the effects of depression
- Vitamin B1 helps with memory and concentration, and again generally alleviates feelings of depression
- Vitamin B12 relieves paranoia, and prevents psychotic outbursts and mental deterioration
- Vitamin B6 prevents psychosis and eases feelings of depression
- Vitamin B3 helps avoid mood swings, memory loss, anxiety and general depression
- Folic acid helps with insomnia (clearly I need more of this right now!), forgetfulness, confusion, and fatigue, all of which, if eliminated, help with depression
An injection of sugar can also be good - a glucose tablet can give an immediate lift, but the trouble is that the fluctuating levels of sugar can then cause problems.
Finally, when you can face it, simply talking to a close friend can be a big help. Indeed, for me, talking, either about the confusion going on in my head, or simply talking about something totally different, is what helps me the most. Even when I'm at my lowest, if I can convince myself to start chatting, while I may not initially notice, I'll very soon be feeling a lot more positive, and generally more relaxed about everything, allowing me to gain some perspective and to eliminate the most ludicrous thoughts going through my mind. Quite often chatting to my closest friends is even more beneficial, and totally rids me of the low feelings, at least temporarily. Either way, support from those around you can be almost essential, even if at the time you don't feel like you want it, or you give off the impression that you're better off without.
And so, after the most colossal post I've written to date, I've come to the end. That is my general opinion on depression...it's far from complete, both in terms of my own perceptions, because I don't recall all of what I feel when I'm down if I'm not in that frame of mind (but I'm happy to skip it!), and in terms of how it affects others, because I have only written this based on my own experiences, opinions and light research around the subject. I think it's interesting though, in terms of how the human mind works (or fails to work).
And wow! Just looked back over this post, and it is biiiiiiiig! I hope it's interesting though. Luckily, today, I am not feeling particularly like the cactus above. In fact, I feel more like this at the moment (serene, bizarrely!):
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